Christmas Shopping
by Ivanfanatic
Summary: CH 3 is FE9FE7 crossover. Reyson drags Soren to the mall and meets up with Erk and Lucius. Lucius tries to help Reyson with his fashion problems.
1. Default Chapter

I don't own Fire Emblem or anything else for that matter aside from my bag of potatoes chips. Please keep your arms on your keyboard and your fingers out of your nose at all times. I apologize if anything in here seems to bash gender or gender roles. Get over it. It's just a FE parody and If you're offended I'm sorry.

* * *

"Come on Erkyyyyy!"

"For the 5th time in the past two minutes, NO!"

"It's two weeks till Christmas and I haven't' gotten all my shopping done!"

"Who else do you have to buy for?" Erk snapped, pointing to the over stuffed closet behind him. "You have three closets and the inn bathroom stocked full of junk!"

"It's NOT junk, they're PRESENTS!"

"For who? All the other little gender confused monks back home?"

"…Yes. And we're NOT gender confused! We know perfectly what our genders are!"

"Lucius, will you PLEASE keep your lingerie out of my bathroom!?" Raven walked into the sitting room of the Bern in with a rather revealing piece of clothing in his hand. Erk was sprawled out on a couch reading a book while Lucius was standing beside him, purse in one hand and coat in the other. Erk slowly lowered the book and quirked a brow to look at Raven, then over to Lucius.

"Lucy?"

"I BOUGHT IT FOR FIORA!" Lucius stomped his foot and slapped Erk upside the head with his purse.

"Ow! What was that for!"

"…I wanna go shopping."

"For the last time-"

"Get some milk while you're out." Hector gruffly ordered and scratched his stubbly chin as he lumbered by. "We're out."

"…Ew… someone needs a Mach 3 razor." Lucius' upper lip curled.

"A what?" Erk blinked.

"Never mind, just get off the couch so we can go shopping!"

"Chapter 12 in your Manual of Knightly Prowess!" Wallace lumbered er… paced before Wil. "In order to become a knight you must do manly things!"

"Like saving a princess?"

"No, women complain about that!" Wallace grunted. "They complain that they are independent and don't need men anymore! Bullcrap!"

"How about… uh… protecting the home?"

"That's what those new house alarms are for!"

"So… what IS considered knightly in this day and age?" Wil blinked. Wallace turned to him and thrust a weapon with a large handle at him.

"We battle."

"Battle?" Will swallowed hard.

"Yes… In winter, we battle the armies of white! This is the worst army of all the four seasons! Worse than the green armies of the spring, the brown and blue armies of summer, and the dreaded falling army of the autumn! They creep upon us silently but leave a trail devastating enough for us to kill our selves upon! It is an army that is so cold hearted and slippery that no man, animal, or beast can ever escape! Fighting against this army is considering manly and we are welcome back with warm drinks and food!"

"So… what do we do?"

"You drive the weapon hard into the enemy, lift up, and fling! Pile the enemy in high banks and leave them to rot in the sun! Then, we sprinkle salt on their wounds and laugh as they cry out in pain!"

"And this makes you a knight?" Wil perked up.

"Yes! It is the ultimate manly and knightly event in the winter!" Wallace thrust his fist into the air, weapon in hand.

"Will you guys PLEASE shut up and shovel the snow?" Fiora growled from the doorway. "It isn't going to go away on its on until spring, you know."

"Aye… the army of white is nothing compared to the army of women…" Wallace grumbled as he and Wil began to toss snow into banks along the path from the inn to the road.

"Pegasus bells, Wyvern bells, la la la la la!" Lucius skipped happily along side of a sulky looking Erk as the two of them made their way in the grayish skies of December towards the shopping district of Bern.

"Do you have to sing that? That song is at LEAST a year old."

"It's catchy!"

"Yes, but you'll get Pent started."

"Sorry, what?" Pent stopped conversing with a mailbox and rejoined the mage and the monk.

"Nothing." Erk retorted to his tutor. "Explain to me again why you want to go with us to the mall?"

"Well… Louise said I did a horrible job of shoveling snow so I must go shopping!"

"You want to buy Louise a present to show her you're sorry? That's so sweet!" Lucius swooned.

"Sadly you are mistaken, sir!" Pent patted Lucius head, "There is a new appliance out that I've had my eye on…"

"What does it do?"

"I will find out! Come lads!" Pent pushed open the doors to the medieval shopping mall. "To one of those little shops in the middle of the mall!"

"…I'm so bored."

"Shut up, Shiek."

"No one wants a cell phone anymore."

"I know, Shiek."

"That's because everyone HAS one!"

"Thank you for stating the obvious, Shiek." Link droned on boredly as his co-worker, Shiek, tinkered around or broke something behind him.

"I'm so bored I think I could turn into a woman."

"Wow. That's a first. Not."

"Hey…Let's go get some coffee!"

"You had three cups already!"

"So?"

"I'll tell ya what. If you manage to sell a phone in two minutes, I'll buy you some coffee."

"ok… HEY LADY!" Shiek practically leaped out of the counter and tackled a lady. "BUY A CELL PHONE! YOUR OLD ONE IS SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO NOT COOL!"

"OMGNOWAY1!11!!!" The lady freaked, immediately purchasing a new phone.

"…You owe me coffee."

"Dammit!" Link slammed his head on the counter, and then slowly looked up. "Huh?"

"What?" Shiek pulled his finger out of his nose to see what Link was looking at.

"They look familiar…oooooh no hide me."

"What?"

"One of them is one of those girls who attacked me when Hyrule was destroyed by that mushroom cloud!"

"…Those are guys."

"The blonde's a girl!"

"Hey, not EVERY blonde guy that looks somewhat girlish is a girl! And trust me… that's a guy."

"…I'm not going to argue with you…"

"Yeah, s'what I thought." Shiek snorted, then offered a friendly greeting to Pent, Erk, and Lucius. "BUY A CELLPHONE!"

"Is this what you were looking for Pent?" Erk eyed the phones while Lucius jumped behind the counter to smother the poor Hylian… ex-hero?.

"Well… phones are cool! You should get one!"

"Why." Erk stated more than asked.

"…because… my sales techniques are so persuasive."

"Are you kidding me? What kind of stupid gimmick is that?"

"I cannot believe you just bought a family plan for the entire fluxing army." Erk's face was as red as his cape as he lugged two huge bags full of phones down the mall.

"They could come in handy on the battlefield!" Lucius insisted. "Like when someone gets lots or needs help, they can just call someone instead of waving their arms frantically and waiting on the unknown force to guide them!"

"…You mean Kate and Mark?"

"Yes."

"…Yeah okay the cell phones WERE a good idea, but do you have any idea how much they cost!?"

"We get calls after 7 and weekends free."

"We can't just fight on weekends and at night!"

"Yes we can! Holiday hours."

"There it is!" Pent clapped his hands together and ran over to the bookstore and coffee shop.

"Huh?" Erk and Lucius followed him inside. Pent dashed over to a desk that held a strange black box with moving pictures on it, and some sort of device in front of it with numbers arranged in a strange pattern. Beside it on the right was a round rock with a cord that trailed to some unknown lair.

"I saw these on the Myrmidon magic box!" Pent explained and sat down before it. "It has something called the Enter Rat on it."

"The… enter rat?"

"Yes!" Pent took hold of the rock with a cord and moved it about. "Now I can finally go to that N'SYNC Web site…"

"Right… well… we're going to leave you here… we'll be back in a few hours." Erk patted Pent on the head, then turned and went back to shopping with Lucius.

"Hector, does this dress make me look fat?"

"Yes."

"HECTOR!" Farina slapped the lord and stormed back into the changing room.

"WHAT?" Hector protested and ignored the comments from Sain and some myrmidons. "I can't win with you! The last time I said no you said I was just saying that! I warned you I'd say yes next time!"

"Ah, you must say something charming, not a yes or no answer." Sain pointed out. "Watch."

"How's this?" Lyn walked out of the dressing room in some dress. "This okay for the party?"

"Ah, Lyn, you look as fair as the moonlight reflecting off the beautiful face of a crystal clear lake."

"Crap! This dress is SEE THROUGH?" Lyn shrieked and ran back into the dressing room.

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAA!" Pete, Fuzz, and Sherbert pointed and laughed at Sain.

"You SO don't know how to compliment!" Pete snorted.

"Yeah! Watch the experts!" Sherbert flipped his hair behind his shoulder.

"Alright, how's this?" Priscilla walked out in a shimmering green dress.

"Lovely!" Sain commented.

"That looks nice!" Hector agreed.

"What, are you kidding me?" Pete snorted.

"I've seen better dresses on a Turkey!"

"Yeah! You look about as loose as a muffler on a 1987 Ford Pick-up!"

"LORD BROTHER!!"

"HEY!" Raven burst out of a dressing room. "WHO MADE MY SISTER CRY!?"

"Um… CRAP!" the peaches and cream myrmidons gave a shriek and turned tail, Raven right behind them.

"…Is it just me…" Hector whispered to Sain as Raven chased the myrmidons into a random Gothic store. "Or did Raven burst out of Lyn's dressing room?"

"…Oh my."

* * *

That's the end of the first chapter! Sorry if it sucked! R/R pleeeeease! 


	2. More Shoppingness

Yay for more of a mess! I don't own Fire Emblem. Wee. Enjoy.

* * *

"A badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger a snake a SNAAAAAAAAAAAKE KILL IT!!!" Pent screamed and hit the computer upside the monitor with his physic staff. The computer made a noise but the kid next to him anonymously exited out of the web page before Pent could do anymore damage to the computer. Pent blinked and looked around at all the people staring at him. "You saw nothing! Go back about your daily business! You saw nothing!"

"Uh…"

"NOTHING!" Pent shrieked at the kid and glued his own eyes back on to the computer screen. "Hm… advertisements… Click here to win an X-box… what's an x-box? Nah… Click here to win a dream vacation for two. I don't want a vacation in my sleep! What? Hot wild teenage myrmidon girls 18 birthday partypics XXX? Hm…. Click here…"

* * *

"I hate department stores."

"But they have a sale!"

"I hate department stores."

"So what!" Lucius yanked Erk by the back of his robe and dragged him inside. Strange day for a sale. It was way too quiet. A little TOO quiet, if you asked Erk. There were a few customers lurking about, trying on clothes or peeking in and out of the dressing rooms.

"Lucy, if there's a sale, how come there isn't anyone here?"

"They're all in the checkout line." Lucius pointed. There was a snake of people at the check out line, all crabbing and complaining at the employee who was busy picking her nose.

"Oh, we are NOT standing in that line."

"No worries! It'll die down in about two hours."

"…Two hours?"

"CAN I HELP YOU!?" The annoying sales lady from hell popped up out of a clothes rack and nearly toppled Erk. "CAN I BE OF SERVICE TO Y OU!?"

"Yeah…" Erk called from the floor. "Get off my back.

"OH I AM SO SORRY!"

"Must you yell?!"

"YELL? WHAT IS THIS YELLING-HI! WELCOME TO JC PENNY!" The sales lady spotted a new customer and ran off to 'assist' another poor customer.

"Well… that was definitely out of the ordinary." Lucius held out a hand to Erk to help him up.

"Are you kidding? From the way this trip is going I'd say it WAS ordinary."

"Hey!" Raven burst out of the same clothes rack the sales lady was in. "Have you seen those stupid myrmidons?"

"Um… I don't think so…" Lucius tapped his chin. "Last I saw they were running towards Victoria's secret."

"Hm… I must come up with a plan… KATE!"

"I can't find my sock!" Kate tumbled out of the clothing rack and landed on her butt with a single sock grasped in her hand. "My foot is cold!"

"…You left the inn without socks and shoes on?" Erk poked the tactician. Kate growled and bit at his hand, but Erk was too fast and yanked his hand away. "Down Kate!"

"WAH!"

"She was trying on shoes." Raven explained. "However, I'm not sure as to why she took off her socks."

"The boot ate it!"

"If the boot ate it, why didn't you just pull it back out?"

"Cuz the boot ATE it."

"…"

"It was gone! Digested! Decomposed! Disintegrated! Really big word for breaking down stuff!"

"Strange, I didn't know the first three were in your vocabulary…" Raven blinked, then grabbed a pair of socks off a rack and tossed them at Kate. "Put those on! Then we must find the myrmidons! And after that we shall rage my revenge!"

"Against what?" Erk quarked a brow.

"Hecto-I mean… the BEES…"

"…but it's Winter?"

"SILENCE!" Raven decked Erk. "You do not challenge the king!"

"These socks make my toes all warm."

"Put your shoes on and come!" Raven tossed some gold and the sock tag at Lucius. "We have myrmidons to find!"

"Aye aye sir!" Kate saluted and hopped out the store after Raven.

"Was there a point to that?"

"No." Lucius flipped through the clothes racks until a sign finally caught his eye. "Hm… 'buy this for your special someone'…Erky, do you think Lord Raymond would-"

"NO He does not want lingerie!"

"Well…" Lucius tilted his head at Erk and smiled.

"…NO I'm not going to buy you lingerie either."

"FINE." Lucius sulked and stormed towards the kitchen supplies.

* * *

"So now that we've shoveled the snow and had our warm drinks, what do we do next?" Wil asked Wallace. The two of them were standing outside with a ladder and Wallace had a box of mysterious objects.

"Now that we have defeated the army of the white, we must hang the heads of the enemy upon the house!"

"This is knightly?"

"No, its barbaric, but its one of those traditions the women like. It's a rather inhumane task that requires wyvern riders and Pegasus knights… but we are not allowed to use them!"

"How come?"

"Because it makes us look less manly!" Wallace grunted and shifted the ladder to the side of the house. "Now ascend the ladder! I will hold the ladder and you will string these heads upon the house!"

"…How do they stay?"

"Little arrows are sticking out of the string holding the heads! Just stick the arrow into the gutter of the dwelling and the heads will stick!"

"What happens once we have the heads strung?"

"Then we plug them in and fire ignites inside of them and they light up! The ladies find this quite charming."

"How are the Christmas lights coming?" Fiora was standing at the window right where Wallace and Wil were hanging the decorations.

"Aye, they're going up." Wallace grumbled. "Keep your skirt on, lass, this inn will be decorated in no time."

* * *

"You can't look up that stuff." The kid was busy running a scan on the computer Pent was using. "For one thing its disgusting, and another, those sites are always packed full of viruses."

"I see…"

"Um… does your wife know you look up that stuff?"

"It is something a man does in private and it is none of his wife's business!"

"Yeah she doesn't know."

"Nope. Not a clue."

"Well, don't do it again, especially in public." The kid mumbled, "Now I can see where your name came from."

"Fine, fine." Pent sat down at the next computer while the previous one made noises and removed all the viruses from the insane amount of naughty material Pent had looked up. "Hm… no new emails… just junk mail… house mortgage? The castle mortgage is fine! Louise took care of it. Well, there was the time Erk blew up the western wing… next. Chain mail. Read this and send it to ten people or the love of your life will leave you. AHHH!!! NO!! DON'T LET MY SPARKY DOG LEAVE ME!" Pent quickly forwarded the email to 10 people, then went to the next email. "…E-bay?"

* * *

"The dog… can… BIG WORD! BIG WORD HURT BARTRE HEAD!"

"Woah calm down there!" Canas rushed over to Bartre and sat down next to him. "Let's try reading the word very very very slowly, okay?"

"Okay."

"The first sound is an R. Can you say R?"

"R!"

"Right-o! The next sound is an UH sound."

"UH!"

"Good job! The last sound is an N sound!"

"N!"

"Together it reads R UH N. Say it fast!"

"RUN!"

"Very good!"

"The dog… can… RUN!"

"Wow." Nino looked at Bartre and Canas, a hint of sarcasm in her voice. "I'm just learning to read myself but… wow. I'm not even THAT slow…. Hey, is that Pent over there?"

"Fire tome for 40 gold… I think I will sell mine for 30 but have a shipping and handling for 20 because lords are idiots and don't read that stuff." Pent gleefully clicked a bunch of things and watched as bids flew on his account. "Yay!"

"Hey Lord Pent! Whatcha doing?"

"Selling things off this place called E-bay." Pent said proudly.

"Cool! What all did you sell?"

"I sold the old fire tomes, a BRAND NEW healing staff, some tactician robes, a pair of boots, Eliwood's horse, the whole province of Caelin, and HEY Cornwell is up for bid!"

"Cornwell?"

"A place with a well and corn in it!" Pent said matter-of-factly. "I will say… 2000 gold!"

"Right…"

* * *

"Sain, get out of there."

"NO!"

"Sain."

"NO!"

"Sain, no lady is going to walk in there with you in it."

"And how do you know that, Kent?"

"Because I can see your abnormally large feet."

"Well, you know what they say about men with large feet."

"…You are an exception to that rule. In your case, your head is just bigger."

"And how would YOU know that?"

"…"

"Oh… nevermind, but you are missing the point!" Sain walked out of the dressing room. "Alas, I will ne'er have a sweetheart for the holidays."

"…Can you talk like a normal person?"

"No."

"Try this." Legault emerged from the shadows and walked over to Sain. "It's a new fragrance called Mistletoe."

"Where'd you get this?"

"The cabinet with colognes and perfumes." Legault pointed behind him. "This cologne is guaranteed to have women all over you."

"Hm… prove it!"

"Alright." Legault turned to Denning, who was standing there for no reason, and sprayed him with the cologne. Denning blinked and looked at Legault, emotionless as always. "You see that girl over there? I want you to ask her out." Denning, still thinking Legault was a member of the black fang, obeyed and wandered over to a girl and a bunch of her friends on the other side of the store.

"I have a message for you."

"Um… like yeah?" The fake bake asked and twirled her hair.

"Meet me on the Dread Isle."

"OOOOOOOOOOOO YOU ARE LIKE SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO ATTRACTIVE!" The girl screamed and she and her friends all glomped Denning and dragged him off into the mall, never to be seen again until 5 minutes later at a K-mart down the road.

"…See?"

"Wow." Kent and Sain were both dumbfounded. "Thank you!" Sain grinned and sprayed himself with it. He then marched into the middle of the mall where a bunch of girls were and threw his arms around them. "Ladies come to me! Your true love is here!"

"Ew get away!"

"Get off you pervert!"

"Take this!" The girls all screamed and surrounded Sain and furiously beat him with their purses and bags.

"Ow!…Ladies please-AH!! Not there-OW! KENT!"

"No way, I'm staying out of this one." Kent folded his arms.

"LEGAU-OW! AHHHHHHHHH!"

"…I thought you said the girls would be all over him." Kent said as monotone as ever.

"What are you talking about?" Legault smirked, "They are all over him." He looked at Kent for a minute until a candle with a flame clicked on over the knight's head.

"Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha I get it."

"…Your laugh is quite scary."


	3. Enter the Heron

I'm putting in Soren and Reyson. Just because. This chapter sucks. Trust me.

* * *

"No, I'm not going."

"Please, Soren?"

"No! Make Janaff go with him!"

"Janaff's hung over!"

"Then make Ulki do it!"

"Ulki is still rocking back and forth in the corner from hearing Calill and Largo all night."

"Then YOU go with him, Ike."

"Reyson specifically requested you, Soren. He says that it makes him sad that you spend all of your time… angsting."

"Angsting?"

"YES. He says that you should be on at LEAST three times as many anti-depressants as he is!"

"You don't get it, do you, Ike?"

"What?"

"You're trying to make ME go to a MALL where PEOPLE are with a bi-polar blonde who breaks his hand when he opens a pickle jar!…WITH WINGS!"

"You make him sound like a feminine pad." Mia walked by.

"…You're going and that's an order!"

"Damn you all."

So this is how Soren was tricked into going Christmas shopping with Reyson. This mad him very very angry. Soren was SO angry he did not even QUESTION where this mall is or where they were. He just wanted to go home and lurk in the corner of his tent and do that "angsting" thing Ike said he was accused of always doing.

"Don't worry, Soren, this will be fun!" Reyson smiled at the sage.

"No, it won't."

"Well, it won't be if you keep up that attitude."

"It's a MALL, Reyson. Technically, they should not even exist in our time yet, but I'm not going to question WHY one exists. Also, malls are swarmed by buckets of hormones also known as teenagers. The females are all 40 pounds underweight, blonde, and retarded. The males aren't much better but they vary from rich asshole to poor douche bag."

"…Don't major in Sociology or Psychology, okay? You might kill yourself." A sweat droplet ran down the back of Reyson's head, but his panged expression turned to one of joy when he saw the bright colors of the mall just up ahead. "Well, here we are!"

* * *

"I swear, the sizes just keep getting SMALLER!" Lucius sucked in his chest. He finally managed to get a size 2 blue sweaters over his head and pulled it down over his chest. He fussed at his hair for a bit, then walked out of the dressing room.

"How's this, Erky?"

"Lucius, you're wearing a girl's shirt."

"Well it's not MY fault it's more form fitting than male clothes!" Lucius snorted, "…Well?"

"Try a lighter blue. That one's too dark- and I thought we were shopping for Christmas PRESENTS, not Lucius PRESENTS."

"Well… I… I got distracted!" Lucius bolted back into the dressing room to change.

Erk sighed and leaned back up against the wall. Oh, how he would rather go home and unscrew a few Christmas lights on the roof to confuse the crap out of Wallace and Wil. But no, fate dictated he spend the at least two year long day because Kate never updates this fic omg with Lucius. Out of the corner of his eye, a tall blonde dressed in a white robe with wings walked into a dressing room with his arms full of clothes. This didn't phase Erk. After dealing with Serra for more than 10 month, very few things surprised Erk.

"Why am I not surprised to see you here?"

"Hm?" Erk looked to his left. There was an extremely pale kid about his age, dressed completely in black. He had hair the same color as his clothing, but his eyes were bright red, and he had an interesting symbol on his forehead. "…Please don't tell me you're with the winged blonde."

"I won't as long as you don't tell me you're here with that cross dressing eunuch."

"I wish I could tell you that much." Erk rolled his eyes. "Would you rather we leave here and find something else to do?"

"I hate social events. You know this." The mage raised an eyebrow.

"So you would rather sit here and watch Angel Boy try on clothes?"

"No." Soren frowned, "There is a coffee shop near by we can go to."

"You like coffee?"

"Can't stand it."

"Neither can I." Erk stood up. "Lucius, I'm abandoning you for that mage that traveled with us for a few weeks."

"WHAT!" Lucius burst out of the dressing room, half-clothed, but Erk and Soren were already gone. "Why that little… eh?" He heard sniffling in the room next to him. Lucius put his ear up to the door, but by then the sniffling became crying.

"WAAAAAAAH I'M SO FAT I CAN'T FIT INTO THIS OUTFIT! EVERYONE IS GOING TO LAUGH AT ME AND CALL ME STUPID AND I SHOULD JUST GO WRITE IN MY LIVEJOURNAL ABOUT HOW MUCH I HATE MYSELF AND I SHOULD JUST GO DIE!"

"Oh, I'm sure it looks fine! Open this door!" Lucius knocked on the door.

"WHY? You're just gonna LAUGH AT ME!"

"No I won't, I promise!"

"LIAR!"

"I'm not a liar! I haven't even seen you yet! How would you know?" Lucius frowned, "I'll tell you what! If I laugh, you can… punch me!"

"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"

"Now what?"

"IF I PUNCH YOU, I'LL… I'LL…"

"You'll what?"

"I'LL BREAK MY HAND!"

"…Okay, open this door before I knock it down." Lucius was now annoyed. "You are being soooooooooo pathetic, you know that?"

"I'M BI-POLAR!"

"I don't CARE what sexual preferences polar bears are! OPEN THIS DOOR!"

"FINE!" Slowly the door creaked open. Lucius stood there, blinking. A man about the same height but with a slightly more manly stature was standing before a mirror, sobbing uncontrollably. He had blonde hair about the same color as Lucy's, but Lucius also noticed that the man had large white wings, and those damn wings were getting feathers everywhere and making me sneeze! My nose hurts!

"Hm… Well, I can see what the problem is."

"I LOOK FAT!"

"Only because you got the wrong SIZE, silly!" Lucius snorted, then grabbed Reyson by the belt. "Look, these are a size 40 waist! The length is also off! What are they… 42? You are nowhere NEAR these sizes! Let me see that jacket!"

"There's HOLES IN IT FROM MY WINGS!"

"Don't you DARE start crying or I'll give you something to fuss about!" Lucius frowned, but Reyson strangely bucked up. "Now, for starters? If you want a nice evening suit to wear, this department store is not for you! Put your regular clothes on and stifle your cries! I will rescue you from this fashion disaster!"

"I'm a DISASTER!"

"Yes, and you allow me to help!" Lucius handed Reyson his robes. "Now stop blubbering like a baby and buck up!"

"Y-yes sir…"

* * *

"…So yeah, that's pretty much what happened." Soren was seated at a table with Erk, each with a steaming cup of coffee in front of them.

"Wow. And here I thought Janaff was the dominant one." Erk seemed surprised.

"Remind you, Janaff and Reyson were both very drunk." Soren's expression didn't change.

"And I'm sure we've all seen what happens to those who drink." Erk took a sip of his coffee and made a face. "Just ask Kent about Raven's birthday party."

"I'll just take your word for it." Soren looked out the coffee shop window, then slowly raised an eyebrow. "It seems Lucius has found Reyson."

"Who? What?" Erk looked outside.

"The bird I was with." Soren explained, "They're going into a man's warehouse of clothing and those annoying myrmidons are following. I'm tempted to say we should follow them in secret."

"Why?"

"Your foolish tendencies seem to have rubbed off on me somewhat." Soren closed his eyes. "And I do not like coffee."

"You don't like anything! …Let's go."

* * *

"Try this one on!"

"It has STRIPES! I don't like stripes, they make me look fat!" Reyson frowned.

"HORIZONTAL Stripes make you look fat and those are for restricted use by tourist grandmothers who wear WAY too much lipstick anyway!" Lucius explained, "VERTICAL stripes make you look professional and slimmer. NOW GO TRY THIS ON!"

"YESSIR!" Reyson spazzed then flew into the dressing room, which caused even MORE feathers to get up my nose.

"Lucy! These feathers are interfering with my diabolical plans!" Raven climbed out of a coat box resting on a nearby counter. "…Where is Kate?"

"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"

"BIIIIIIIIIIIRDYYYYYYYYYYY ACHOO!"

"KATE! Get out of there!" Raven snapped. The dressing room door flew open and Reyson flew out in heron form, and then dove for sanctuary between two clothing racks. Kate toppled out of the dressing room, covered in feathers.

"ACHOO!" Kate sneezed, and more feathers flew everywhere. "Mah noesh is all shtuffed up. Eeeey I found the myrmidons!"

""Ey Pete! Check out that angel!" Fuzz snickered.

"That ain' no angel, Fuzz!" Sherbert snorted, "That's Harvey Birdman!"

"It is!" Pete's eyes went wide. "GOOD, cuz we needa lawyer!"

"I'm NOT this Harvey Birdman you speak of!" Reyson stomped his foot, then acted all majestic like. "I am Reyson, Prince of the Heron Tribe of Serenes Forest."

"…Sure you ain't the queen? Cuz ya sound like one!" Pete hooted, then caused he and his cousins to break out into laughter. Reyson's eyes welled up with tears and he stormed back into the dressing room. "Aiyee… oops."

"Ya think he knew we was just playin?" Fuzz looked at Pete.

"You should be ashamed of yourselves! Picking on him like that!" Lucius slapped each of them upside the head with his purse, then went to comfort Reyson.

"HEY! YOU THERE! MYRMIDONS!"

"Awww hellfires." Sherbert rolled his eyes. "Jigs' up, guys. The King found us.

* * *

"Now that I have successfully purchased a land of wells full of corn and spent all of my wife's retirement money, I think I will go do something else." Pent began to look around at other things on the Internet. "AIM? Instant messaging? This should be fun! Let's see… screen name? What is a screen name? You do not name screens!"

"It means username." That kid next to him spoke up again. "Just pick a name and put it down."

"Hm…" Pent tapped his chin for a while, and then finally typed in a username. "Yes! Brilliant!"

"…Cottage Cheese?"

"Yes." Pent looked gleeful.

"…Whatever you say, man…"


End file.
